


Fear Is Temporary

by DefSoulArsJae23



Category: GOT7
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Unrequited Love, broken!youngjae, caring!markjin, confused!jaebum, idolslife, youngjae is precious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2019-04-18 19:43:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14220390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DefSoulArsJae23/pseuds/DefSoulArsJae23
Summary: These past days Jaebum seemed to be ticked off quiet often because he realized that something had definitely bothered him to the core. Somehow he did not want to accept the reality that 'something' was definitely referred to Choi Youngjae.





	1. Feuillemort

Jaebum didn’t remember since when he felt so comfortable around Choi Youngjae; his member whom he cared too much more than the naughty maknaes duo. Maybe because Youngjae was the one who supported him whole-heartedly to be a responsible hyung and leader during their hard time after debuting  other than Mark and Jinyoung. Was it since Youngjae offered himself to be Jaebum’s loyal roommate only to find Jaebum breaking down horribly due to the burden placed on both of his shoulder as their group leader almost everyday? Youngjae would gently patted the older’s back in a calm manner and it almost reminded Jaebum of his mother’s attempt to soothe him in her warm embrace whenever he could not fall asleep long time ago. Or maybe it was whenever he would find himself awake in the middle of midnight with Youngjae’s head comfortably nested under his chin, legs tangled messily with each other’s tired limbs, he never knew.

In Jaebum’s eyes, Choi Youngjae is too perfect. Youngjae would never be their sunshine without solid reasons. Thanks to his bright personality, the members felt so much better watching him laughing cheerfully and brighten up the maknaes despite their packed schedule.He knew he was a leader, sure. But for a leader like him, Jaebum seriously thought that Youngjae was stronger than him, the one who stayed beside him, held his hand while leading the way to escape from his negativity. Never did he shed tears in front of the older boy and it was more than enough to prove that he was indeed a tough boy. Jaebum was glad.

Because Youngjae was probably the light in his life.

It has been three years since they were officially debut, spending the days promoting their group, going to personal schedule, practicing their dance choreography, vocal training and even attending fanmeeting had been their daily routine. “It might be the most tiresome job we have to do but it is perfectly fine because we enjoy it very much,” Jackson stated proudly in their group interview when they were promoting Flight Log : Arrival in China, the foreign language rolled smoothly under his tongue and Mark would nodded in agreement.

Living under the roof together was ruckus in the beginning, some of them had irrational arguement  that was unbelievably enough to have the air-conditioner in their van stopped functioning while some just could not clicked with each other especially their younger members. But oh well, sticking together in the space called home did worked out well. They started to learn about each other and accepted each other’s weakness  like how quiet Mark Tuan was or how bad was Jaebum’s temper with open hearts. The members’ family knew each other too and that was what Jaebum had prayed before going to his dreamland every night so it would be a wonderful reality.

And finally, God had answered his prays.

He knew he should feel at least grateful regarding their group’s condition right now, Yugyeom and Bambam eventually started to spend their free times together eventhough they sometimes threw sassy comments towards each other about their dark relationship in the past but Jaebum knew that was what build their love-hate relationship until now. Meanwhile, Jackson had been considerate enough to hold himself back from making fun of Mark too much and the awkward tension between Mark and Youngjae finally settled down after they decided to raise a maltese dog named Coco under both of their name. In addition, with the help of Jinyoung, Jaebum succeed in getting rid of his hot-headed nature for the sake of their little family. But still, these past days he seemed to be ticked off quiet often because he realized that something had definitely bothered him to the core.

Jaebum sighed. Everything seemed to fall in its right places after these past three years. He leaned against the window while watching the blinking stars decorating the dark blue sky. His eyelids felt heavy yet he still did not want to sleep considering the fact that their manager hyung beside him who was driving could be affected if he watched all of their members were deep in slumber. Jaebum shook his head as he reminded himself to be patient as the drive to their dorm would take at least 7 more minutes before arriving.

As he was trying to distract himself from falling asleep he suddenly became aware of the sound around him. Dragging his eyes lazily, he looked over the rearview mirror to check on his members only to find Youngjae sticking closely by Mark’s side at the back seat, chin placed on top of the older’s shoulder to whisper whatever they were speaking about. The older then leaned against Youngjae’s small frame to reply his words but this time, his lips were too close with Youngjae’s lobe for Jaebum’s liking and Jaebum caught the way his triple earrings glinting slightly before looking away from the scene as he caught himself watching them secretly like a mischievous stalker.

Jaebum let out his breath he did not know he was holding in, clenching his fist tightly while holding back his tantrum in mind. Somehow, that was the thing that pissed him off along the past weeks. He did not know what went wrong with Youngjae and him but seeing the main vocal obviously avoiding him like he did not remember how close they were before was making his stomach churned painfully.

Without him knowing, the 7 minutes drive was cut short as he was thinking too deep about the possibility of reasons behind his cold war with Youngjae. With heavy heart, he opened the passenger door and stepped out of the transportation after stealing a quick glance at the backseat only to realize that Youngjae had already passed out on Mark’s lap. He unknowingly closed the door back with too much force and it was enough to make Yugyeom and Jackson jumped from their deep sleep but not Youngjae, he was a heavy sleeper anyway.

Walking towards their dorm building hurriedly, Jaebum prayed that  he would arrive at his room as soon as possible as he did not intend on having to see Youngjae talking with the members other than him, missing the confused stare he earned from Jinyoung and the death glare from their manager since Jaebum was treating their group van rather harshly.

It was still dark outside when Jaebum cracked an eye opened, his throat felt dry and rough even though he had swallowed around 5 bottle of the mineral liquid every time they stopped for 5 minutes break when they were practicing. He groaned, forcing his limbs to get up from his uncomfortable position on bed and shuffled across the room quietly, worried that Jackson would woke up because of him.

Looking at himself on the mirror, he squinted his small eyes to have a good look at his body despite the darkness. He cursed under his breath as he felt his whole body was sweaty and clammy under his button up shirt and rough jeans, remembering that he threw himself on the bed the moment he stepped into his shared bedroom with Jackson without bothering to change first.

After changing into better clothes; tank top and cotton shorts, Jaebum checked on the time and mentally squealed when he found out it was only 2 in the morning. He could happily continue his rest session but not forgetting to quench his sore throat first before doing so. He walked out of the room quietly so no one would wake up before having their energy completely recharged over the night, especially not the three maknaes because he was sure they would start to play Youngjae’s game he recently bought if they  were woke up in thi middle of the night instead of taking rest as much as they could like Jinyoung and Mark would do. They were young anyway, Jaebum mentally noted that he needed to take extra care for them.

Speaking of the devil, Jaebum stopped in his track when he caught a glimpse of Youngjae’s back facing him (Jaebum did not know why he was so fast in learning it was Youngjae’s back, he had backhugged the boy too many times in their sleep when they were roommates anyway)  while he was washing his favourite cup in the dark, movement seemed careful probably did not want to make so much noise because of the same reason Jaebum had.

Jaebum sneaked his way beside the main vocal, after fighting over his alter ego in order to treat Youngjae normally even after being avoided unfairly without any reasons. As he placed a hand on Youngjae’s tense shoulder, the younger jumped in shock, making himself almost tripped backward when he stepped away from Jaebum’s body. Luckily,Jaebum’s arms reacted swiftly to  the other’s waist while the other hand make its way to grab a hold onto his forearm to prevent him from falling on the cold floor.

Smooth.

Jaebum snickered slightly when he saw a priceless reaction Youngjae had on his face, who quickly scrambled back on his bare feet while avoiding Jaebum’s gaze that was fixed on his feature. Jaebum frowned, ready to burst out his anger but then, the lesson he learnt from Jinyoung in order to hold back his shitty behaviour  would vanished in vain. He saw how Youngjae lowered his head from Jaebum’s sight, pouting his lips a bit due to the embarrassing incident a while ago, Jaebum guessed.  Awkwardly, Jaebum pulled his hands back to his side before scratching  the back of his neck, not knowing why he was so speechless all of sudden.

“ Aren’t you cold?” Jaebum asked quietly when he saw Youngjae wearing just a baby blue sweater  that was too big for his size, enough to hide those shorts Youngjae was wearing underneath. It was his first time to see the younger wearing something so..revealing. Usually, the younger did not even wanted to try changing his oversize clothes style, but then, watching him in these kind of clothes kind of made Jaebum realized that he did not have his baby fat anymore, his wrists became smaller and his thighs looked thinner. ‘He definitely succeed on his diet,’ Jaebum thought for a while, eyes dragging across Youngjae’s face again to inspect his chubby cheeks that were not there anymore. Oh well.. Since when?

“ I’m just going to drink for something before going to sleep again,” Youngjae replied shakily, this time looking straight to Jaebum’s eyes to avoid suspicion. “ Oh, me too..” Jaebum mumbled, did not even care if the younger heard him or not, all he could think at the moment was having Youngjae to spit out whatever the problem he was having with the leader right now. He scoffed, remembering that he was supposed to drink water before going to bed again and Youngjae placed the mug at the counter before turning on his heels, ready to run from Jaebum.

“ Then, I’m going to bed,” Youngjae spoke, keeping a bright vibe into his voice to reassure Jaebum there was nothing he needed to be worried about. Unfortunately, Jaebum caught him by his wrist before tightening his grip on the thin wrist, warning Youngjae from avoiding it any longer.

“I think you know well that we need to speak. Both of us,” Jaebum reminded him, voice laced with pure disappointment. Youngjae felt his heart throbbed painfully, having his favourite hyung hurted because of him. He clenched his jaw, knowing this was not going anywhere fine at the end of their talk. Jaebum then slowly released his tight grip on the boy when he was confident that the other would not going anywhere before speaking his mind out in front of Jaebum.

“ It’s nothing important, really. I’m sure it will eventually pass,” Youngjae tried.

“ Whatever related to any of the members is important to me. You might as well explain why you are so tense around me,”

Youngjae’s lips finally formed a thin line, his eyes reflected a vivid sadness, a reaction Jaebum never wanted to witness  when he was together with Choi Youngjae; Got7’s sunshine. Youngjae did not know why he was trembling so hard in front of the older. Perhaps he was out of his warm blanket too long with exposed legs? Or was it because of Jaebum’s  assertive tone that was shoot towards him just now? He never argued with Jaebum before, but this feeling he was having right now made him felt worthless and horrible towards their only leader.

“ I don’t think you will like to hear the truth,” Youngjae whispered, tears welling in his eyes, ready to fall over his smooth cheeks. Jaebum hated seeing it. He wanted to wipe the tears away, the first tears he ever saw coming from Youngjae’s eyes.

“ Tell me. Then I’ll tell you whether I like it or not,”.

“ I..”

“ Youngjae please- “

“ I like you.” Youngjae cut quickly, his voice a little too loud from his liking. His breath hitched when the words escaped his lips and the tears finally fell. Jaebum’s heartbeat increased, his world spinning around him and his eyes widen at the sudden realization. Youngjae wanted to throw up, his knees shaking violently before falling on the floor with a loud thud.

Jaebum tried to take his hand but Youngjae clenched his fist. Jaebum was going to hate him, he knew. Closing his eyes tight, he tried to remember how to breath properly, but the tears would not want to stop flowing down. When he opened his eyes again, Jaebum was gone without any traces of him being there minutes before.

Youngjae smiled sadly, ready to collect the pieces of his heart left by Jaebum on the cold night.


	2. Eccedentesiast

Jaebum mindlessly stared at Jinyoung’s  forehead for almost 5 minutes now before the younger scoffed lightly in order to snap Jaebum’s mind back to reality. His patience had been blew away by the lack of Jaebum’s conversation along the past few minutes since they arrived at the coffee shop.

Early at the morning, Jinyoung found himself sharing his single bed with another human being instead of having the space all by himself like he always did. He almost let out a long scream after seeing Jaebum forcing himself to fit in the small bed but he stopped instantly when he remembered that their members still deep in slumber and it would truly annoyed them if he made a ruckus at ungodly hour. What made his stomach fell was the sight of Jaebum lying down with his eyes wide opened, looking at the ceiling above him lifelessly. He looked terrifying with the dark bags under his eyes.

And that’s how Jinyoung ended up dragging the soulless singer to their favourite café together with him. He had been living with the older too long since their trainee days, enough to know that the other was having a hard time. Not wanting to waste his time more, Jinyoung kicked Jaebum’s shoes to show that he was ready to hear anything Jaebum’s  going to say.

Jaebum threw an unsure gaze towards him, mouth opening and closing it again as he hesitated to spit out the truth even though the one who’s sitting in front of him was his own bestfriend. Jaebum tried so hard to swallow the lump formed in his throat before slumping his back against the chair, body suddenly felt wobbly all over.

“ It’s nothing. Just that I want to spend some time with you”, Jaebum whispered, the lies rolled effortlessly under his tongue. This old gramp obviously lying in front of his face.  He frowned, confused by the older’s odd behaviour as he never hide anything from him, but that didn’t mean that Jinyoung would use force in order to make him surrender. Jinyoung wasn’t that crazy.

Yeah, he needed to wait. He didn’t want to take risk making the older angry again because that would mean he wanted to summon the inner monster inside the leader. That would totally make the whole group a mess. Jinyoung shivered at the thought.

Playing along, Jinyoung sent Jaebum his smile, acting like he had bought the other’s words just now before sipping on his hot chocolate while looking away from the troubled man.

 

When Jaebum stepped into their dorm again, he caught the sight of Mark and Youngjae sitting beside each other while the others fussing around the kitchen to make breakfast for themselves. They were playing with Coco, their dog but when Jaebum was getting closer towards them, he could hear them exchanging whispers and it finally died down, probably because they just realized that Jaebum was there.

Jaebum paid no attention to them, all he wanted right at the moment was to sleep his mind off of everything. He couldn’t describe anything he was feeling which was why he decided not talking with Jinyoung about the matter he faced last night.

He was confused. Jaebum never thought anything about the member’s personal life especially their  emotional issues, their dating life or even their sexual orientation. Sure, he knew that Mark once had a girlfriend back when he was still living in LA and Bambam had been in a serious relationship with a girl from Osaka when he was still a trainee. However, when he thought about Youngjae’s romantic feelings directed towards him, he hardly believed it.

Last night, after Youngjae confessed, Jaebum’s eyes almost popped out of his eye sockets,not believing what he was hearing from Youngjae’s mouth. He swore, he tried so hard to convince himself that Youngjae didn’t mean anything romantic at all and he was just sleep talking about his crush. Unfortunately, after looking at the glint of hope in the younger’s eyes, Jaebum knew he wasn’t anything close to unconscious and he realized that he didn’t believe at the voice in his head anymore before leaving the boy all alone on the cold floor.

Everything felt so unreal now. Jaebum could feel his head throbbing painfully like it was mocking his entire life. He watched as the clock on the wall ticked, suddenly remembered that they have another vocal training in an hour or so. Reaching for his towel on his bed side, he shuffled out of his shared room with Jackson and made his way towards the bathroom to take a quick shower. Their manager hyung wouldn’t be happy if he Jaebum made him and his members waited right?

On his way to the bathroom, he could hear Mark’s high-pitched laugh and Youngjae’s giggle clearly before he felt someone bumped onto him. Youngjae looked at him for a moment, as he slipped his arms around the younger’s back so he wouldn’t fall on his butt, eyes still lingering on Youngjae’s face to search for any reaction.

Instead, Youngjae gave him his usual sweet grin while trying to stand straight on his feet again, eyes disappearing behind the cresent lines. “ Thanks hyung, but you better be ready soon before manager hyung piss off again,” Youngjae laughed, patting Jaebum’s shoulder lightly before running away from Mark who threatened to tickle him.

Coco’s loud bark passed like a cold air. For a moment, Jaebum considered the incident last night was his worst nightmare and pure imagination but Mark’s hitched breath he heard when they were collided definitely meant something more than he thought it would be.

 

Their schedule ended as soon as the clock struck to 8.00 pm. As they were getting ready to leave the building, Jinyoung announced that they would stop at the family restaurant near their dormitory to refill their energy. The rest were squealing happily at the news, not noticing how Youngjae’s face twisted in utter discomfort.

Rubbing his empty tummy, he thought for a moment if he should joined his members eating out, but upon remembering his mission on dieting his face fell almost instantly. With heavy heart, he approached Jinyoung, telling him he wouldn’t tag along with them. He needed extra practice in their  new choreography anyway.

Jinyoung stared at him before sighing. Youngjae did it again didn’t he? He would always find ways of escaping his meals even though no one noticed about his strategy, Jinyoung knew it too well. He scanned the younger from head to toe before meeting his eyes again.

 Jinyoung didn’t understand. He had became too thin right now, why would Youngjae worried about gaining weights?  Ever since the company ordered him to start dieting he could see the younger’s body shrinking each day. He even wanted to shook the younger’s fragile body so he would realize how small he had been because of his unhealthy diet.

Youngjae prayed so Jinyoung could let him pass this time. Jinyoung had nagged a lot about his meals and he smiled in victory when Jinyoung nodded at him, too tired to nag at the younger about the same thing all over again.

Youngjae didn’t want to worry his members. But not having a perfect body shape would surely bring shame to their group. He knew. Fans had discussed about how his body was too thick to be an idol. He was embarrassed while looking at the group forum, really. The picture of his thick thighs, his jawline that couldn’t be detected and the fats that were hanging under his eyes and cheeks were making him furious at himself.

He was ugly afterall.

 

Jinyoung was the last person to leave the room,throwing Youngjae another glance while promising to himself that he wouldn’t let Youngjae did his bad habit again the next time he planned to. Youngjae however, managed to show his cheeky smile towards the older before turning around to start his dance routine.

When Jinyoung managed to make his way out of the room, he realized that Jaebum was standing outside with his back against the grey wall. Jinyoung furrowed his eyebrows, Jaebum didnt wait for him right?

“ Umm, okay. What’re you doing here, mister?” Jinyoung carefully asked after having an intense eye-contact with the other male. Jaebum seemed unsure when he said he left something when he was packing his things just now. Jinyoung hummed in understandment and stepped aside so Jaebum could enter the room again.

Calming his increasing heartbeat, Jaebum went inside as fast as he could. Lying to Jinyoung sure was the hardest task he needed to do. He just needed to meet Youngjae even just for a minute.

He’s desperate for any explanation and confirmation from the other. Throughout the day, Youngjae had been acting normal with him. He’s not avoiding him or even bringing up the topic again. But, Jaebum knew better. Something had been drifting them both far away from each other.

Even if it was true and Youngjae didn’t want to talk himself, he might as well took the chance to explain why he suddenly went missing last night.

Youngjae seemed to be taken aback by his presence, movement stuck for a few moment before waving at Jaebum along accompanied by his cheerful giggle. “ Oh, hey Jaebum hyung! Did you left something again?”

Jaebum frowned, he wanted  to cover his ears from hearing Youngjae’s happy voices and even wiped those smile from his pink lips. He missed how they would joked around with each other playfully without worrying to hurt anyone’s feelings. Somehow, the Youngjae who was standing breathlessly in front of him wasn’t him himself.

The affection in his voice had disappeared. Jaebum noticed.

“ I’ve come to talk to you again.” Jaebum whispered, tone sounded pleading so the younger would gave him second chance. He wouldn’t run away again. Not this time when he needed to fix all of this, he promised.

“ I don’t need you to tell me whether you like my confession or not because I already know it. I hope you can forget how reckless the words slipped from me last night, yeah?” Youngjae started, breaking their eye-contact to look at his feet.

“ Look, Youngjae. I don’t care about anything right now,let’s just solve all of this mess so we can talk to each other like before.”. With that, Youngjae’s face instantly mirrored the word irritation. Jaebum slapped himself mentally, did he uttered a wrong statement?

“ I know you won’t care anything about my personal feelings. But, hyung? Can’t you see I’m acting normal a while ago? What else do you need me to do?” Youngjae snapped before bitting his tongue, preventing himself from spluttering harsh words towards his leader. His lips trembling, like he had been enduring it alone for too long.

Despite the younger’s outburst, Jaebum managed to hold his wrists in his tight grip, the usual way he always did to calm his members whenever they were in the verge of tears. Only right then he realized he never calmed Youngjae down. Because the younger was Youngjae, and Choi Youngjae never lost his temper.

Youngjae was the one he would go to whenever his day turned grey. Youngjae would always calmed him, humming the song he liked without complaining at how Jaebum wasted his time. He would wipe Jaebum’s tears with his tiny thumbs and made few jokes to make him laugh.

What the fuck he just did?Didn’t that make Jaebum the worst person for making Youngjae cry?

“ I don’t think you’re talking in the same way you did with me. It’s awkward,  I can feel it.” Jaebum whispered, not knowing what he was saying anymore. His heart clenched painfully when Youngjae broke away their joined hands.

“ Jaebum hyung, it’s not as simple as you think. I’m sorry if my feelings ruined our friendship. Everything won’t  be the same again and I’m sure you’ve matured enough to know it beforehand. I’m not going to avoid you, hyung. But please take note that I have many issues ahead of me, so don’t blame yourself because of it . If anything happens to me, we both know it’s my fault.” Youngjae smiled, his anger no longer there, instead it was replaced by a sincere gaze.

Jaebum didn’t know why there was a heavy feeling placed in his heart. The image of Youngjae slowly letting him go made him felt nauseous. It’s not supposed to be like this. He wanted everything back. Was this the end of their pure relationship?

Jaebum clenched his fist in a tight grip.

“ Oh, I’m going to use the restroom. You better take the thing you left,hyung! Yugyeom and Bambam will complain about you if you make them wait for too long,”

You’re what I left behind, Youngjae.

Just like that, Youngjae’s figure disappeared behind the door. Picking up all of his thought back, he escaped from the room with tension still hanging in the air. He stopped on his track when he saw Jinyoung standing where he was before, eyes looking at the wooden floor in deep thought, obviously had heard the whole conversation from outside.

Sighing, Jinyoung stood up straight and walked towards the entrance after giving Jaebum an unreadable look. Jaebum went after him. His plan to order his favourite ramen at the restaurant  had been forgotten as the appetite in his stomach was no longer there.


	3. Nemesism

Two weeks had passed after Youngjae and Jaebum last encounter. Somehow, Jaebum felt unfair by the fact that Youngjae managed to act normal and still looked lively as ever even though the glint in his eyes were no longer there. How could he hide his fragile side he showed to Jaebum before in a matter of seconds?

He had been a living dead along the past week, bothered by the way the words of confession rolled under Youngjae’s tongue. Did Youngjae had been holding back in all those time? Now that he spill out the truth, what did Jaebum supposed to do? His usually warm nights, wrapped around Youngjae’s small arms turned cold. Youngjae didn’t even want to face him while they were asleep. As if Jaebum could sleep.

Sure, the younger still talked with him, giving him good morning greetings and even laughed at his lame jokes. However, the special treatment he always received disappeared just like that. The secret glance they threw at each other when they were in front of cameras, the quick movement of Youngjae’s hands whenever he couldn’t reach for any object he needed or the way Youngjae always looked at him with fondness in his eyes.

Youngjae stopped all of it and Jaebum never felt so empty in his life before just because of a person, Choi Youngjae. Jaebum wasn’t anyone special to Youngjae, not anymore. Youngjae treated all of them in the same way anyway.

“Please remember the one who always stayed beside you until now. Who is the one that you care the most in our group? Ask yourself these kinds of questions. It’s obvious, Jaebum. Your answer would eventually end up as the same person,” Jinyoung assured him one night when he suddenly felt all alone, Youngjae wasn’t in their shared room that night.

 

Jaebum squeaked when someone pinched his waist, almost throwing out curses from his mouth while turning around to look at the culprit. He was too occupied staring at Youngjae and Mark lounging on the couch to realize what was happening around him. They seemed to have some problems about Coco and they had been discussing about the matter since last night.

Sometimes, he hoped that Youngjae never had any allergy with feline fur so they could take care of Nora together instead of having Mark sticking by Youngjae’s side to pamper their Maltese dog.

His voice was muffled by Bambam’s small hand and he felt himself being dragged along outside of the practice room.

Once they got outside, Bambam let him go and stood beside Yugyeom who was obviously waiting for them since god only know when. Jaebum crossed his arms on his chest, quirking his eyebrows. If only the maknaes didn’t wear such troubled expression on, the leader would gladly strangled them to death for pulling him out of the room like that.

“Well? Care to explain?” Jaebum demanded. Bambam and Yugyeom briefly made eye contact with each other before sighing together. “Jaebum hyung, we are worried of Youngjae hyung. He looked a bit different nowadays.” Bambam whispered, frowning as his eyes were looking everywhere, scared that the person they were talking about would pop out of anywhere.

“ Different?” Jaebum asked. “ Yes hyung. He’s always distracted in the middle of our discussion. Don’t you think so? Yesterday, Jinyoung hyung spent his time snapping him out of his thought when we’re having dinner,” this time Yugyeom spoke up, his hand making its way to grip Jaebum’s forearm, like he was begging him to understand him.

Jaebum stared at both of his band members, slapping himself mentally when he didn’t even recalled anything like that for yesterday event. He was being a careless leader, wasn’t he?

“Actually, a week ago.. I was accompanying him to JYP building because he said he left something behind,” Bambam added. Jaebum could feel the cold sweat forming on his forehead, wishing Bambam would finished his words quickly so he could escape from this unbearable space.

“I was supposed to wait him at the entrance but I found myself eavesdropping on JYP hyung’s room. He was telling Youngjae hyung to lose some weight,” Bambam continued, his voice getting smaller. Yugyeom’s eyes turned glassy at the moment and it broke Jaebum’s heart at how his dongsaengs were falling apart in front of him.

Quickly, he turned on his heels, not wanting to reveal his weak side any longer but was stopped by Yugyeom who stepped up in front of him to block him from running away. The maknae looked into his eyes deeply as if he was talking to Jaebum’s soul with his pleading eyes.

“ I don’t care what’s your problem with our Youngjae right now, hyung. But as our leader, please, I plead you to talk to him out of it as soon as possible because I found something suspicious in his bag just now,”.

As Yugyeom pulled out a tiny razor from his pocket, Jaebum could feel bloods drained out of his whole system.

 

Youngjae tried so hard to follow up with their dance routine, but he stumbled a few times until now and he didn’t even know why. Their dance instructor would usually stop the whole song so they could start again without any mistake if any member messed up. However, when it came to Youngjae, the instructor would let it pass considering the fact that Youngjae got the wrong step almost in every dance session. Judging from his looks, Youngjae knew he was pissed off with him, tightening his fist like he would burst out of anger any time soon.

Youngjae bit his quavering lips tightly, feeling frustrated with himself. Why the heck he always made everyone angry and mad? Without him knowing, he missed the pace and slipped as someone’s arm accidentally hit his face. He felt a strong pair of arms grabbed him from behind before he could make contact with the hard floor. He blinked his eyes repeatedly as he saw the world around him spinning violently.

As he scanned for the person who was cradling him, he muttered a small sorry after confirming it was Jackson. His cheeks flaring up slightly, embarrassed when everyone in the room was staring at him, their eyes looked tired and soulless. His heart fell, knowing he was the one who burdened the whole group every time. Youngjae’s eyes landed on Jaebum who was standing far away from them while watching him with his sharp eyes. He quickly supported his weight fully on his wobbly legs with Jackson’s help.

Of course, Jaebum wouldn’t care about him. What was he expecting anyway?

Youngjae pinched the bridge of his nose as the whole situation was too overwhelmed for him to bear it alone, so when Jackson clasped their hands together and held it tightly, Youngjae accidentally let out a whimper as tears started gathering in his eyes.

The rest of the member watched him with broken heart, wondering what actually happened to their little sunshine that was enough to make him acted like this. He could hear Yugyeom grumbled under his breath behind him.

Youngjae bit his tongue hard so the pitiful sound would stop coming out of his lips, avoiding to look at the rest of his members. ‘Was there any situation worse than this?’ he asked himself. As if on cue, the instructor tapped on his foot before giving him a judging look.

“Jaebum I need to talk with you and Youngjae. The rest of you can go home and please take enough rest for your packed schedule next week,” he announced, bidding goodbye at his students. Jackson tightened his hold onto Youngjae’s hand before releasing it with heavy heart.

Mark ushered them outside, muttering a soft ‘fuck you’ at their dance instructor without him knowing while pulling a crying Bambam in his arm along with him. Jinyoung was the last person to leave the room as he didn’t even want to step out of the room if the furious looking male wasn’t waiting for his disappearance. Jaebum secretly nodded at him and Jinyoung sighed, making his way towards the exit before throwing a worried glance to Youngjae and stepped out.

 

The tense atmosphere felt uncomfortable around the three of them. Youngjae shifted on his feet as he watched how the male in front of him looking over him with an annoyed expression on. He never liked those kind of piercing stare other people gave him as it was enough to make him shiver. It reminded him of how worthless he was being as a human being.

He realized it was stupid of him to believe that he could catch up with the rest of his member. He lacked those training years and joined them as the last member. He didn’t know where did he picked up the allergies he was suffering from. He never understand why he got so many weakness in him.

“Youngjae-yah. Could you focus more on your work next time? I don’t  get paid just to waste my time to teach someone so slow,” the male started, his voice laced with impatient. Youngjae gulped.

“Yes sir,”.

“ Watch your step. I can’t remember the time I ordered you to kick your own legs and kiss the floor!” he yelled, voice cracking slightly indicating that the anger he was holding slowly seeping out of him.

“ I’m sorry,sir,”

“And you Jaebum, make sure all of your member is completely prepared to do their daily routine. It doesn’t make sense to me that this kid keeps stumbling on his own feet. Hey kid, if you’re tired of this idol world the door is always open for you to leave. This career isn’t suitable for a boy like you!” he said, words getting stronger as he continued.

Jaebum gritted his teeth, holding his anger by clenching his fist tightly. Youngjae’s hand shook as he nodded at their instructor’s word. They always knew that this male was strict and harsh in his words, but his words hurt Youngjae so much this time.

He started to question his choice of career when Jaebum spoke up for the first time. “I understand sir. Please let us go so we can have enough rest to attend your practice tomorrow evening,” Jaebum bowed, the words obviously forced out of his tongue and Youngjae prayed that the older didn’t add anything into his already polite request that could anger the guy more.

Just like that, Youngjae found himself being pulled out of the building by his leader. The voice calling for them to come back was left behind. Jaebum let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding. As their pace slowed down Jaebum slowly let go of the younger’s thin wrist, still back-facing the younger before making his way towards their van.

The sound of their footsteps felt solid in Jaebum’s ear. All Jaebum wanted right at the moment was going to their shared room and engulfed Youngjae into a big hug, assuring him that the guy before was just talking shits he didn’t know and promised him that he will always there to hold him.

As much as Jaebum wanted to say those words to his dongsaeng, he still cared for their public surrounding. If only they could arrive in front of their dorm right now.

Watching Jaebum leaving him behind, Youngjae hung his head low and managed to release an airy laugh. Seriously, Jaebum could just run away himself. It hurt more if he pulled him along and then left him alone like this. Jaebum should feel grateful if he just disappeared from his life. The leader wouldn’t accept him as his friend. He was disgusting after all.


	4. Redamancy

Youngjae quickened his steps so he didn’t have to walk along with Jaebum to their dorm. As he reached for their locked door, he pressed down their passcode but the action was stopped abruptly by Jaebum’s hand.

“What do you want Jaebum-hyung? I’m too tired right now..” he mumbled as he searched for Jaebum’s eyes quietly, secretly begging him not to touch him. Jaebum bit the inside of his cheek before tightening his grasp on Youngjae’s hand, his eyes reflecting something like hurt and scared.

Without warning, he pushed Youngjae’s sleeve upwards until the clear skin of his forearm appeared in front of him. Jaebum exhaled sharply, relieved that the thoughts he was having about the razor back then weren’t real. He caressed the younger’s skin with his thumb, thanking God that the vocalist still in the right state of mind.

Upon realizing what Jaebum was doing, Youngjae’s eyes widened as he pulled his arm away from him, not forgetting to cover his skin back. He opened the door as soon as he can and stepped into the warm living room, leaving Jaebum outside with racing heart.

His whole body shook uncontrollably. Reaching for his towel, Youngjae decided that a warm shower should probably relax his tired body and mind, at least for today. That day had been too exhausting for him and he didn’t even know how long it’d took until he accept that he couldn’t proceed any longer.

 

He had been waiting patiently for Youngjae to finish his shower, throwing his body on their old couch at the living room so they didn’t bump to each other in the bedroom once Youngjae finished. 

He even checked on his members, making sure they were asleep since the two youngest usually would waste their rest time by chatting with each other until 2 or 3 in the morning. Same goes for Jinyoung, but in his case, he would spend his time reading novel before going to bed until he lost track of time, too mesmerized by the whole story plot Jaebum didn’t even sure he understand. He didn’t need to worry about the other two as they would probably passed out from exhaustion considering the fact that today’s activities were quiet tough.

When he heard the sound of their shared bedroom clicked, Jaebum took it as the cue for him to enter the bathroom right away. He could feel his whole body sweating, the fabric of his clothes sticking on his skin unpleasantly.

He admitted what he was doing was dumb; avoiding his own member. That’s why Jaebum promised to himself that he would solve this whole thing at least before the following week started. It was too frustrating for him and for Youngjae too. He just hoped that none of them would give up to fix whatever they were having right now.

Moreover, the feeling he was having for the past days obviously had given him a solid sign about what he was thinking of Youngjae. He was stupid, he knew, for finding out the truth by breaking Youngjae’s heart.

His heart skipped a beat as he imagined how Youngjae would react once he told him, the way his lips curled upwards as he released his contagious laughter while pulling Jaebum into his arms. Shit, was this how love felt like? He made a mental note to thank Jinyoung later.

 

12:07 a.m

Jaebum frowned when he found out the source of light in their bedroom shone through the space between the wooden door and floor. The steam from his warm shower clung around him. He was supposed to head straight to Jinyoung’s room since he saw the empty spot JInyoung left for him on his bed, in case he wanted to sleep with him again.

However, the light made Jaebum wondered if Youngjae had fallen asleep or still doing things. ‘Was he waiting for me?’. Not wanting to waste his time, Jaebum shuffled towards the room and pushed the door opened slowly.

He must has gone too quiet since Youngjae didn’t turn around to check who it was. As he walked closer he could see the back of the younger trembled slightly, even his bare legs looked shaky while lying down facing the wall beside him. His thumb was busy scrolling down whatever content he was searching for in his phone.

‘Youngjae is so useless in his group :\’ , ‘ He has so many allergies, how can he think of becoming an Idol?’ , ‘lol, why is he singing like that..’ ,’I think Choi Youngjae is a bit overweight as a kpop idol. Just saying.’

“ What the fuck are you doing Youngjae..” Jaebum growled, his deep voice was scary enough to make Youngjae shivered. Youngjae looked behind him, before sitting up on their bed, looking everywhere but Jaebum. His eyes were red and swollen probably the result of reading those haters’ comments.

Jaebum snatched his phone away roughly, throwing it over the desk beside the bed before pulling Youngjae by his shoulder to face him. Youngjae’s legs dangling weakly at the bed side, figure shrinking smaller under Jaebum’s piercing gaze.

“ Answer me!” he yelled, making Youngjae sobbed harder. The leader didn’t care if his voice woke the entire resident. Youngjae’s act disappointed him enough to care about other unimportant things at the moment.

Youngjae struggled to break out free, but his action was in vain. Jaebum wasn’t going to let it pass easily, not this one. “ I don’t know..” he managed to say, voice creaking due to his short breath. Jaebum’s head was pounding violently.

“ Youngjae, aren’t you aware of anything right now? That was the first thing I warned you guys to do! You’re not listening to me!”  Jaebum’s hold became tighter, Youngjae was sure it would left marks.

“ I think I need to stop, hyung. I’ve got nothing. I’m weak..” he mumbled, tears rushing down his red cheeks. His sweater had already drenched wet, Jaebum didn’t want to know since when he was holding his tears. The leader slowly shut his eyes tight, allowing himself to take a deep breath so he could calm himself down.

God, please. Let me get through him.

Slowly, Youngjae placed his palm on top of Jaebum’s hand before slowly took it away from him. He looked so hurt, Jaebum nearly let him go, not wanting to push on him even harder. Youngjae was fragile and all he wanted to do was treat him delicately.

Youngjae didn’t get to stand up properly when he was pulled again to sit down in front of Jaebum while the older pulled a chair to face him. The force made him groan as the pain shot through his body. Youngjae whimpered. Jaebum didn’t miss the chance to look at Youngjae’s thigh once his loose shorts rode up higher because of the movement.

Jaebum gasped.

“ Shit shit shitshitshit,” he cursed, heartbeats  quickening as he scanned the scars and red cuts on his inner thigh. Jaebum wanted to kill himself, Youngjae had been hurting himself! His heart clenching painfully as his breath shortened. Youngjae’s wailing didn’t even help.

The younger let himself fell on the bed weakly, an arm covering both of his eyes, feeling helpless.

“ Y-you see Jaebum hyung. I’m not as strong as you think I am. I’m worthless. It feels harder when I know no one wants to love someone like me. I can’t accept the fact that I need to stay with someone I love who happened to have so much differences with me. I’m not perfect enough to satisfy our fans. I’m so-“

Jaebum never thought of kissing other boy before but kissing Youngjae was another different story. Their position was so intimate with him hovering over Youngjae’s tiny figure. It was suffocating but Jaebum didn’t give a fuck. He needed to tell Youngjae how much he loved him.

Youngjae’s voice was muffled because of the kiss, their lips met into a soft, innocent kiss. When they pulled away, Jaebum could see Youngjae’s face was dusted with a pink hue, mouth gapping continuously to process the whole thing.

Jaebum wanted to laugh at his adorable face. Instead, a single tear slipped from the corner of his eyes and fell onto Youngjae’s nose. Jaebum smiled softly at him and leaned in to whisper at the younger while wiping the tears away from Youngjae’s face.

“ I’m sorry, I supposed to smile at you but this is..Surreal,”

Youngjae’s heart leaped in his chest, face turning a darker shade. Jaebum kissed his forehead before going down to catch his lips again. It started out innocent so when Youngjae felt Jaebum’s soft tongue licking at the seam of his lips, he let out a sharp gasp and Jaebum took the chance to enter his wet cavern.

Youngjae wanted to scream, so much that his head was pounding. No one ever knew how much he wanted for this to happen. The tears continuously fell out of his eyes and Jaebum pulled away to kiss every drop of it.

Jaebum reached to hold Youngjae’s cheeks in both of his hand so the younger would look into his eyes, the warmness of the other made him smile. “ Let me change those scars to something else. May I?”. Youngjae hesitated at first, unsure of what his hyung was referring to. Eventually, he nodded his head slowly. Jaebum would never hurt him anyway.

As soon as he saw the other nod, Jaebum sat on his heels, settling himself between the younger’s thigh and making sure his touch was gentle enough so Youngjae didn’t feel any pain. Youngjae eyed his hyung cautiously, afraid of what he was going to do. Sure, he loved his hyung, a lot. However, if Jaebum wanted to do something strange to him, Youngjae thought he didn’t ready to do that part yet.

Without warning, Jaebum pushed his left knee until it met his chest. Youngjae nearly screamed at his action, telling him he wasn’t ready. Jaebum closed his mouth with his free hand before ducking down to suck on the skin under the red cuts. Youngjae could see the leader smirking against his pale thigh and he swore it was embarrassing to death.

He tried to close his thigh, but Jaebum’s hand was stronger than that and all he could do at the moment was hiding his red face behind his sweaty hands. His shorts rode up so much, he didn’t see any point of wearing them anymore.

Jaebum rolled his tongue skilfully on Youngjae’s soft skin while sucking on it, marking it with happy heart before going for another spot. He pushed Youngjae’s sweater so he could leave hickeys all over his flat stomach while whispering how beautiful he was between his shuddered breaths.

As he left the last mark behind Youngjae’s left ears, he laughed as Youngjae reached for him with shaking hands, pulling Jaebum closer to him before capturing the leader’s lips in a heated kiss. Jaebum gathered him in his arms, deepening their kiss.

“ I love you..” he whispered between kisses and Youngjae cried again, head tucked under Jaebum’s chin. Nothing needed to be discussed again, as long as Jaebum were there for him, Youngjae was sure he could continue his living as one of the group member.

“ Don’t give up Youngjae. The rest of us love you so much. Please believe in me and promise you’re going to overcome all of this together with us,”.

 

“ Youngjae hyung, look at this!!” Bambam shrieked while pulling Youngjae to show him his new trick in his bottle flip. Jaebum wanted to snatch Youngjae away from the maknae but all he could do was sit and stare from the corner of the room.Youngjae laughed happily when Bambam failed in his first attempt, Jackson and Yugyeom quickly joining them.

Mark plopped down beside Jaebum, a bowl of cereal resting on his thigh while his eyes searching for a certain vocalist. Jinyoung then joined them on the couch, bumping onto Mark’s shoulder in the process. “ Don’t stare too much Mark hyung, someone might kill you,” he laughed and Mark threw Jaebum a knowing smirk.

Jaebum faked a dumb expression before walking away from the scene. In the end, Youngjae was his and his only.


End file.
